Begin at the Beginning

It’s hard to begin.

The hardest thing in life is often to start something, but once started momentum builds and before you know it, you are on a path to a destination.

2 years ago, (my psychologist thinks much longer), I started on a path to something and somewhere I had never been before. A lonely place, where my only company seem to be horrible thoughts, obsessive ideas and sad memories that just seem to be looping in my head in faster and faster spirals.

When I look back at happier times, I was a definite seeker of and see-er of the good in the world and in people. I had my moments with my mother, my sisters and my friends in the normal way that women tend to do, but overall I was an up kind of person. Opinionated with a feisty temper, I was never-the-less confident in my life, in my place in the world and in my surroundings. I saw big and thought big - the world was an exciting place to be in and a part of.

A wonderful choice of a life partner only boosted my confidence further - enabling us to travel the world together, have 3 children and be game enough to start a business in a garage, that now services clients all over Australia.

I read it and think - who is that girl. What happened to her and where did she go?

I changed, I got older and I got sad. Not just down, but sad, really sad.

I questioned and still question my place in the world.

I looked deep into myself and found a worthless shell. Every slight, every rejection, no matter how small and inconsequential, just fed the endless whirring negative thoughts in my head that I was an unloved and unloveable person.

I would obsess over negative news items, not sleeping I would trawl the internet at night for news - all of it bad, constantly feeding into my overall feelings of sadness and of being separate and alone from those around me.

Driving alone proved dangerous and soon had to be abandoned - my kids being the only thing that kept me tethered here. 

My walk in wardrobe proved a hiding place I often retreated to, as well as under my desk, the bottom of the shower. 

I became so locked within this spiral - nothing was good. I felt nothing except loneliness, frustration and anger.

Something had to give and it was me.

My fear of admitting that something was seriously wrong and that I could not hold it together any longer was finally jettisoned in favour of the medical help I needed.

A husband who finally understood, friends who just listened and didn’t suggest a remedy (thank you Mel, thank you Tree x), meds that brought my head back into balance, the ability to talk to a professional about where I was at in a non-judgmental and gentle way made a world of difference.

To go for a walk and to just notice that you feel happy is a wonderful thing. Something that any person who had felt unhappy for a long long time only can really appreciate.

So on my road back to the old me, or should I say the older and wiser me, I have had many opportunities to reflect on the good that is all around us, the good in myself and the good that small acts of kindness can bring to the world.

This blog will focus on finding that good and shining a light on it. Sometimes we need to be reminded that good is all around us. That happiness can be found and we should share it with others when we find it. 

I promise to limit the politics and it will be a sport free zone. I will share stories that inspire me and lighten my mood. Stories that stir a feeling of inclusion, giving and support. Yep - there is likely to be stories of social entrepreneurship and social justice in here, no particular bandwagon, but expect there to be some suggestions as well as me putting my money where my mouth is. 

I promise no cute dog rescue stories and no cat memes, however expect the odd conservation and environmental musing. Elephants and the reef spring to mind!

I had forgotten that music makes me happy - expect music stories and arts stories to inspire and sooth your soul.

Women, education and equality are very important to me - expect plenty of them.

Ethics in business is also a motivator - so I will find stories relating to that as well.

Staying true to your moral compass, yep religion will feature, but whatever your faith - a sense of the spiritual is a path to happiness and it is here that we can find a path to good - whatever our spiritual persuasion.

Small kindnesses - these are the stories closer to home, things that happen to me, my family and our community.

When I dropped my daughter at the airport today for her first overseas adventure, my wish for her is to see the world as I saw it when I was 15 - a world of wonder, of things to explore and experience, a world of good.

May her road be a path clearly marked with the signposts of happiness, may she know and see good around her, in her and in others.

image
image

I feel better now that I have started. 

#Leannesaysitsallg