I have a confession to make.
I suffer from comparisonitis.
Yep, it’s a real thing.
It flares up for me in all the wrong places and in all the wrong times.
There is no known cure, however sufferer’s have been known to find some relief from this affliction when they are content within themselves. Often this is not easy, as Comparisonitis is known to stay dormant or be in remission when people are happy and relaxed, but can crop up quickly if the sufferer is challenged in a known area of personality frailty, times of stress or during bouts of depression.
Well maybe it’s not really a “real” affliction….
For me, as I have come to be more aware of my depressive moods and triggers, I am also more aware of how I react to situations, that if Comparisonitis was a real thing, it would totally be how an outsider might label my reactions.
It is often a surprise to people ( and to me ) why someone ( aka me ) who seems confident, is actually not. I know that when I take on new tasks, new activities or step outside my comfort zone and share that with others, I feel good. For example, in a weeks time I am starting university again, in a whole new area of study. When I made this decision months ago, I felt really good about it, it felt right, I felt strong and willing to step into something totally new.
I thought it was a great positive step in a new direction to rediscover my passion for life and take steps to create opportunities for happiness in my life.
It was and is the right decision.
It has been a well worn path of a few of my old school friends. During this last 2 years I have come across old friends of mine who are also doing exactly the same thing. Their motivations, may be different to mine, but I have been nothing but amazed, congratulatory and really pleased for them in this new step and in many cases big change.
However when I come back to my own backyard, I am not that expansive person. My reaction to that news closer to home, made me question my decision, resent the decision of others and just cement in my mind that people would ignore my change and just focus on their’s. I was no longer looking out - but solely focussed in - retreating into my head.
Yep - Comparisonitis - back with a vengeance.
Flaring up and making me question my decision, my motivation for doing it and also allowing me to sink back a few steps into a bit of a dark place. I felt unsure, worthless, resentful and jealous all at once. I could not bring myself to be happy in the way I was for my girlfriends - far away from me.
Close to home, my thoughts immediately turned to the negative.
Just like that - back down the rabbit hole.
What made this whole episode worse for me, was that I was also heading off to see people that can trigger the best and worst in me.
I was tense
I was ready to lash out.
I was ready to start obsessing about a whole range of stupid thoughts and emotions that I tend to grab onto when in this frame of mind. Stupid drugs, stupid jealous girl, why can’t I let it go, why can’t I move on, why do I only feel self worth through the spectrum of others.
Why can’t I accept that no one is thinking any of this crap but me!
So I did something else instead.
I found some good.
I went for a walk.
All in a simple walk.