You know it is a real shit to think that your mind is broken.
I have had 24 hours of shit.
The kind of shit that even though you have a $50 voucher to spend at Sussan - when all sales items are a further 50% off - you don’t like anything.
That kind of shit.
The thing is this - why when everything is pared back, medication is gone, that all of that crap is still there in your head.
Why when a few things go wrong, you run out of your medication - you then spend 24 hours back in that place you were 2 years ago - like everything you have learned and tried to implement was for nothing.
I hate that, that place is still there.
Is it always going to be there?
- I have 2 half done blog posts on happier topics - but can’t be motivated to finish them.
- I have a course I need to get my teeth into
- I have a little YOGA program I have started - half started…
- A half done jumper I am knitting
- Books I bought to read and learn from - collecting dust on the side of my bed.
- A half done instagram photo challenge on #winterwellness
- and I have a cold - a head cold, to top it all off.
I am just left with this overwhelming - is this always going to be part of me - will it always be there. I never really understood how people speak of the black dog. Of it hanging around, always there in the shadows. I never really got that bit, really until right now.
When I am good, I just don’t second guess myself, my mind is focussed on the task at hand. I can plan, learn and deal with life as it presents itself without introspection. Dark introspection.
But when I am not - all of that baggage just returns, that box reopens and all of that sadness fills every crevice of me.
I just want to remove that box, it is not enough to leave things in the box and lock it up. I want it gone.
When will that happen? Will it ever happen.
However, my script was filled and here I sit at the keyboard, so I know I am on the up.
I have learnt something though, I managed to seek someone out and talk to them and cry. Sob in the car in the street - not a great look. It felt better after that..
Now where is that sticky tape to tape down that box.